Is your mattress causing you any trouble?

The "Mattress Wars" by the Marriage Bed: Where You Find It Too Hard, I Find It Just Right

At 2 a.m., jolted awake by the sound of my partner tossing and turning, I stared at the ceiling and suddenly wondered: Has this mattress we’ve slept on for three years long been an "invisible battlefield" in our marriage?

A few days ago, while tidying the bedroom, I squatted down to feel the edge of the mattress and casually complained, "It’s getting softer and softer—my lower back barely gets any support anymore." But my husband didn’t even look up as he retorted, "You’re the one who always hogs the soft side! The part I sleep on is as hard as a wooden plank." It wasn’t until we lay on opposite sides of the mattress and reached over to feel each other’s half that we were shocked to discover there really was a "firmness perception gap"—the fabric under his palm was taut against the springs, while I could easily press a dent into mine.

Later, when I mentioned this to my best friend, I realized it’s a common "affliction" among married couples: Some people suffer from shoulder pain year-round because their partner prefers firm mattresses; others curl up like a shrimp all night to avoid waking their spouse with their movements; and there are even couples who tried taking turns sleeping in the guest room, only to move back into the same bed because they "missed each other’s snoring."

Actually, if you think about it, the mattress debate is never about who’s right or wrong. A friend who’s an orthopedic doctor explained that men typically have more pronounced lumbar curves, so firm mattresses reduce lower back pressure; while women have softer body curves, so plush mattresses better conform to the hollows of the hips and lower back. As for the disturbance from tossing and turning, sleep monitoring data shows that adults toss and turn an average of 10-15 times per night. If a mattress has poor breathability or uneven support, a single turn can disrupt a partner’s deep sleep for more than 20 minutes.

But rather than splurging on an expensive zoned mattress, maybe what matters more is spending two minutes before bed talking about "which side felt comfortable today." Like last night, my husband voluntarily moved his pillow to the firmer side, and I snuggled up with my soft pillow—turns out, the solution to the "mattress war" was simpler than we thought.